Miscarriages: A Motivation to examine what I believe…
There are some moments in life that you don’t want to revisit. Some moments which you never wanted to experience, even once. Realising that you have lost the little life which was growing in your womb is one of those moments for me. And yet, in His wisdom God has called me to this place not once but 4 times. Four Miscarriages. Four first trimesters, full of hopes and dreams, plans and preparations. Four “moments” when those hopes and dreams suddenly ended, not with a baby and a lifetime of memories, growing and loving together ahead, but rather empty arms and uncertainty, questions, wrestling and, often just as difficult, ongoing health issues which aren’t major but just take their toll.
With an introduction like this it may surprise you that this post probably won’t make you cry or pull any emotional strings in your heart. I am not an emotional person by nature. I am learning to understand the way God made me and to seek to use that to be of benefit to others. And God has made me to be analytical. He has made me to think and ponder and to dig deep into His Word to find truths which enable me to process what is going on in my life. Multiple miscarriages has been one of the motivations God has given me to really examine what I believe, what I am holding onto and where I look for security and peace. I can’t share all that I have learned along the way in one blog post. This will just be the first of a number of posts.
False Security and Hope:
We had two children, conceived easily and carried with no problems other than nausea and the usual irritations of pregnancy. Subconsciously, I guess I assumed that I was one of the “lucky ones”. When we “decided” to have our third I went into it with some big assumptions. It wasn’t that we left God out of the picture. It was more that I was so very unaware and naive about our total dependence on Him in this area.
I guess the very first lesson I learned was that having children wasn’t something I just did. I had not had two children earlier because I was wonderfully fertile and good at having babies. The loss of our third child gave me the gift of awareness.
Suddenly, in my loss, I gained a deep appreciation of all God had given me and of my daily need for Him to continue to provide for me and my children.
My perspective changed from wanting God to “add blessings” to my children to being aware of my total dependence on Him for life, my own and their’s.
Our Son was nearly 4 when we lost “Pinky” (as He had named this little one). He was very excited about a new little sibling. I sat down with him to explain that the baby wasn’t coming now and that God had chosen to only let us have Pinky with us for a few months in Mummy’s womb. He was very upset and, even at 4, the uncertainties and questions began to come. In many ways the questions He asked that afternoon were the very questions my own heart was crying out.
Mr 4: “Mummy, will God give us another little baby to look after?”
Me: “I don’t know honey, but I do hope so. We can ask Him to.”
Mr 4:”If He does give us another little baby to look after, will He let us keep that one?”
After much thought and a few tears…
Me: “I don’t know that one either darling. But I do know that God loves us very much, and He loves our baby even more than we do. He is very good and He does what is best for us. If He did give us another baby and we only got to look after it for a short time again, then we can trust Him that that would be the very best thing for all of us.”
Just 6 short months later I looked back on that conversation and I was so very thankful that I had given my son an answer full of truth. It was not an answer I wanted to hear. It was not an answer which took away all my son’s uncertainty. I was tempted to answer, “Of course He won’t do that again!” But six months later, as we grieved yet again the loss of a little one we had so little time with, I was grateful I had not given him a promise I couldn’t keep… or an answer which would cause Him to doubt who God was or His goodness.
As we walked that path again, we all had to hold onto those truths that God had given us. That He loved us, that He was good, and that this wasn’t an accident or tragedy out of His control. He had given us this little life to hold for a short time and then He had taken it away. We did not understand why. We grieved.
In the midst of our grief, we held onto the truths that we knew.
And God met us in that grief and proved Himself faithful.
Over the 14 years since that first miscarriage God has blessed us with 3 more children I only carried for a few short months and 3 more children who have brought with them other challenges and joys. The lessons God taught me through this first miscarriage laid a foundation for facing the challenges which were to come. I will share more lessons and ways God met me in future posts.
Have you faced the reality of losing a child you had started to dream and build hopes for? What about other dreams and plans which haven’t eventuated or have turned out so differently to the way you imagined? What truths about God and His character and promises have been a comfort and foundation for facing the grief and other emotions which surface at such times?
Hugs and Prayers,